An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, ‘Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?’
‘Yes, I know,’ said the lady. ‘I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.’
‘But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!’ said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, ‘Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!’
FIRST TIME SEX
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over
Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner,
She would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms,
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist
helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
and sex, At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 0pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will
be rather busy it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head,
a minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with
his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea
you were this religious'
The boy turns, and whispers back 'I had no idea your father
was a pharmacist'.
And how about those blasted tights --
They're sized by weight, you see,
So how come when I put them on
the crotch is at my knee?
I need to wear these glasses
as the print's been getting smaller,
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to grey
and my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me,
the outside's changed a bit.
THE OLDER MAN
A word of warning Lucy-
You'll have to make a few allowances.
At his age, his back goes out more often than
he does
Don't be fooled by that healthy glow....
it's not a sun tan....
it's just that all his liver spots have grown
together.
Longevity runs in his family.....
when his grandfather dies he was pushing a
hundred and three!....
Mind you, that was on the M6!
I'm looking forward to those long, aummer
nights when we can all go over to their place
and sit round the table listening to the sound
of his arteries hardening.
I bet their first baby looks just like Dave
all wrinkled and bald.
After the speeches, you may wish to shake the
bridegroom's hand,
but there's really no need...
at his age, just hold his hand and it'll shake
all by itself.
I could really enjoy his conversation if it weren't for two things... my ears!
He'll be speaking next and I can assure you he's really on form....
Chloroform!
He never opens his mouth unless he has nothing to say.
You can always tell when he's talking rubbish his lips are moving!
For the last six weeks she served up Chicken every Thursday..
What d'you mean "Whats wrong with that"
-it was the same Chicken!
I had a feeling there was something wrong
from day one when I got up, walked into the
kitchen and found her ironing the bacon!
Isn't she a treasure!
I wonder who dug her up.
This all started when he was a
little boy and his father bought
him a bat for his birthday
Imagine his surprise when he unwrapped it
and it flew away
Here's to our fisherman bold
Here,s to the fish he caught
Here,s to the one that got away
And here's to the one he bought
Ah yes! Give me some golf clubs,
some fresh air and a beautiful woman
....and you can keep the bloody clubs and the fresh air
You know the trouble with referees?...they don't give a toss who wins
Playing rugger is a great way to meet new people
Paramedic,nurses orthopaedic surgeons...
The team is just like an old-fashioned bra
no cups and poor support
My policy is to let him think he's going to be
bossing the house...
when actually, he's going to be housing the boss!
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave?
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about
Was the other Indian crazy or what??
The Indian replied No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! into they opening If they get an answer back
it means theres a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us
Just then they came upon another cave, stopped and hollered
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
Immediately there was an answer
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! from deep inside
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening
The Irish man wandered around the woods for a while
and then spied a third large Cave
As he looked on in Amazement at the size of the opening he was thinking
Hoo Man Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found
There must be a fine big woman in this cave
He stood in front of the cave and Hollered with all his might
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! like the others he heard an answering call, WOOOOO,! WOOOOO! WOOOOO!
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face,he raced into the cave tearing all his clothes off as he ran
The following day the headlines of the local newspaper real.........................................
YOUL LIKE THIS
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN ?????
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Mum walked into the kitchen wearing her beautiful new fur coat..
Isn't it fabulous? SHE SAID TO HER DAUGHTER, What do you think?
Oh Mum replied the girl some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that
Dorothy! exclaimed her mum, Don't talk about your Father like that.
An old couple had retired to bed and the woman was feeling a bit frisky,
Oh Harold, she said, Sometimes it feels just like
yesterday that you would put your arm around me
as we lay in bed, Wheres all that romance gone So the old man, to keep her happy, put his arm around her.
And then, you used to kiss me, she continued
The old man sighed,
turned over and kissed her
And then do you remember, she said exited;you,
used to nibble my ears?
At that, the old man got out of bed and walked to the door
Harold! she called sitting up in alarm where are you going?
Just to the bathroom to get my teeth!
The old man said to the doctor
Do you think Ill live another ten years?
Do you drink asked the Doctor
No
Do you Smoke
No
Do you have sex
No
Then what do you want to live another ten years for?
Robert Whiting, an elderly Canadian gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The Canadian said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it. 'Impossible. Canadians always have to show passports on arrival in France!' The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.' You could have heard a pin drop.
Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits By Pam Ayres Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers, Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers, Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. 'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning. It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning, And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits 'Cos tits can be such troublesome things When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing. And although they go well with my Bingo wings, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow, When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low, When they're less of a friend and more of a foe, Then I wish I'd looked after me tits. When I was young I got whistles and hoots, From the men on the site to the men in the suits, Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters, Cruising around with my favourite suitors. Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When they follow behind and get trapped in the door, When they're less in the air and more near the floor, When people see less of them rather than more, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' said Bob 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
Irish Boys Confession
Bless me Father For I have sinned, I have been with a loose girl
The priest asks 'Is that you Dicky',
Yes Father it is
And who was the girl you were with
I cant tell you Father I don't want to ruin her reputation
Well Dicky I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now
Was it Mary Walsh?
I cannot say
Was it Teresa Brown?
Ill never tell
Was it Margaret Doyle?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her
Was it Anne O Neil?
My lips are sealed
Was it Kathleen O'Tool then?
Please Father I cannot tell you
The Priest sighs in frustration You're very tight lipped Dicky and I admire that
But you've sinned and have to atone
You cannot be an alter boy for four months!!!!
Now go and behave yourself
Tommy goes back to his phew and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, What did you Get??
Four months holiday and Five good Leads
The Accident A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got up to £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It is one thousand pounds an inch.' The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, 'you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.' The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have.' says the chap. 'And has she helped you to make the decision?' 'Yes, she has,' he says. 'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.. 'We're having a new kitchen.'
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The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son..
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!
The 3rd Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door..
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powde r.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damne d thing.'
The 4th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 5th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied,
'now just rest and let the poison work.' |
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This is for all the germ conscious folks who worry about
using cold water to clean.
Terry went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of North Renfrew.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Terry’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, Terry noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, ‘Are these plates clean?’
His grandfather replied, ‘They’re as clean as cold water can get’ em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Terry was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, ‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’
Without looking up the old man said, ‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’
Later that afternoon, Terry was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
Terry yelled and said, ‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted,
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YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
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‘COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME!!!’
Meet Coldwater.
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