November 20, 2008 by bowler
Read the humourous bowls jokes and stories and send your own funnies into us to be published online
Bowls Stories / Team fun……
A little old man boards a bus with a bowling wood in each of his front pockets.
He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can’t help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets. It’s an uneasy few minutes before, finally, the little old man can take no more.
“Bowling balls,” he nods reassuringly.
The lady seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she says: “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Half Hour Late
Half Hour Late A couple of weeks ago, I practised bowling with a new member.
We had fun during the practise, so I asked him if he wanted to practise next week.
He said: “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”
The following week he shows up right on on time, and we practised, this time he plays left- handed.
I asked him if he wanted to practise again next week.
He replied: “Sure but I might be a half hour late.”
I then asked him :”How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed.”
He said :”When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed.”
I then ask ;”So,what if she is laying flat on her back?” “That’s when I’ll be a half hour late!” he replied
The magic of bifocal glasses
An old man called Barry, practises Bowls with his pals each week, has just purchased a new pair of glasses.
On the first end, he draws four touchers. His friends are amazed. Again, on the 2nd and 3rd ends ‘4 touchers.
“Hey, Barry”, one friend asks, “what’s your secret? You’ve never bowled so well.’
‘ “Well guys, its these new bifocals. I see a small jack and a big jack.
I aim for the large one, and the rest is history.”
A few ends later, Barry needs to relieve himself so off to the toilets he goes.
When he returns, his trousers are drenched. `
`What happened Barry”
Barry, in confused voice, “I reached in and looked down, I saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn’t mine, so I put it back!”
How was your bowling game?
How was your bowling game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was bowling well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the bowl went.”
“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” “But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even bowl anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your bowl,” Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack bowled with Scott looking on. Jack bowled to a long jack. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yes,” Scott answered. “Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering up the green.
Four bowlers were out on the ‘Green’ practising. As one of them was about to bowl at the 15th end, which was next to a busy road, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, the other three said, “You know, that was the most touching thing I’ve ever seen.”
And the bowler answers, “Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!”
Skip was having a hard time
In ‘Your Bowls Club’ a well known skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game.
At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. “Where’s our nearest bowl?”.
“In yer ******* hand!”, answered the skip.
Bowls Jokes / one liners
I rang up my local bowling club, I said “Is that the local bowling club?”
He said “It depends where you’re calling from.”
Lead: “How much am I short?”
Skip: “You ought to know, you’re closer to it”
I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week!
Best deal I’ve made in years.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a bowling match. Q: how do you spell skip?——–A: G.O.D
Q: What do you do with someone who can’t draw, can’t roll the jack, can’t set the mat, can’t keep score and won’t listen?—-A: Make them skip A Bowls Selectors Prayer
Blessed are they who can play sport
Blessed are they who can still be taught
Blessed are they who accept with grace
To play in any SELECTED place!!
Up and down, walking,
Often measuring, sometimes chalking
Shifting mats – keeping score,
hirty ends, maybe more,
Aching back – tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he’s the marker! TO WIN TO WIN
It matters not whether you Win or Lose,
What matters is whether I Win or Lose! Lady Bowler says to her friend “As I said before I never repeat myself – as long as I can remember I have amnesia”
General Jokes! I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.
I saw a sign at a petrol station. It said ‘job vacancy’. There was another sign below it that said ’self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I go ‘Come here, Stay!’ After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all. I spilled spot remover on my dog…now he’s gone. Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Sponges grow in the ocean … that kills me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn’t happen.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses and stops breathing. The other pulls out his mobile phone and dials 999.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! “What can I do?”
The operator says: “Calm down – I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
Silence, then the sound of a gunshot.
The hunter comes back on the line: “Ok – now what?” A man goes into a bar and says, “I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.” The barman turns and shouts in the kitchen, “Oi, Tracey! Someone to see you!” Q: Why do married women weigh more than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
LACK OF VISION
70-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said: “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.”
Thelma exclaimed: “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Note from an old man: “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.” Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: “What’s that?”
Tina: “A condom.”
Sunny: “Where’d you get it?”
Tina: “You can get them at any chemist”
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred. “Doesn’t matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits on a Camel.” Mother of SIX A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back…
“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”
Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet.
He says to the vet, “Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won’t light up.”
The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier.
The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps £450 pounds ! You didn’t do anything for my Rudolph and you’re charging me £450 pounds ?”
The vet shrugged and replied, “That’s the usual charge.£50 pounds for the office visit and £400 pounds for the CAT SCAN.” Ho Ho Ho
Sign on the door of a vet’s waiting room, ‘Back in five minutes, Sit……Stay’
A sign over a gynaecologist’s office: “Dr Jones, at your cervix”
On the door of a plastic surgeon’s office: We can help you pick your nose!”
At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push,”
In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully We’ll wait.”
A sign in the non-smoking area of a restaurant: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take apprioruate action,”
Ad on the side of a plumber’s truck: We repair whatt your husband fixed,”
Another slogan on the truck of a plumbing company; “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call a plumber