Jokes

[sony]

Hi All Joking Bowlers,

Lots of talk in my Club from our new Outdoor Captain who is searching for some good jokes for this coming season, so any good jokes could 'This Site' please put a few more on the Joke site or add a few on this thread that means all you joking Bowlers,
Big Thanks!!:D

To start is a Picture of,

THE FIRST PICTURE OF A TIGER SHARK READY TO STRIKE!!!!!!!!

[sony]

(Hope this is O.K., please tell me if not) thanks


Hello Blackpool

A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool while on a business trip and was a
bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when
you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl
calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo..
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy
hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture.
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room
he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello, can I help you', the woman says.
God, she sounded so sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I
want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'Wow, that sounds really fantastic. But this is reception; you
need to press 9 for an outside line.'

[pops]

Sony that Joke a Bit Racy for Someone my Age, but keep them coming could do with Something to keep the Old Ticker going on a Cold Morning,

[Sam]

How About this one Pops more up your Street,:D
Alphabet

A''S FOR ARTHRITIS
B'S THE BAD BACK
C'S THE CHEST PAINS, PERHAPS CAR-D-IAC?
D IS FOR DENTAL DECAY AND DECLINE,
E IS FOR EYESIGHT, CAN'T READ THAT TOP LINE
F IS FOR FISSURES AND FLUID RETENTION
G IS FOR GAS WHICH I'D RATHER NOT MENTION,
H HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE--I'D RATHER IT LOW
I FOR INCISIONS WITH SCARS YOU CAN SHOW
J IS FOR JOINTS, OUT OF SOCKET, WON'T BEND
K IS FOR JOINTS, OUT OF SOCKET, WON'T MEND
L FOR LIBIDO WHAT HAPPENED TO SEX? ,
M IS FOR MEMORY, I FORGOT WHAT COMES NEXT,
N IS NEURALGIA, IN NERVES WAY DOWN LOW
O IS FOR OSTEO BONES THAT DON'T GROW

P FOR PRESCRIPTIONS, I HAVE QUITE A FEW,JUST GIVE ME A PILL, I'LL BE GOOD AS NEW

[Del]

One from our Xmas Party;

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients
and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much
he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
And the senses of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal
reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head
would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave........
Dave........

..........you're a vet.

[Green]

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on that I found in your Trousers pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
The wife replied, 'Your horse phoned'

[Green]

Wife 'What are you doing'

Husband 'Nothing Dear'

Wife 'You've been reading our marriage certificate for half an hour!!'

Husband 'I was looking for an expirey date!!!!!!!!!!'

[Green]

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'


Mom 'Well you did the right thing'

Son 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap'!!!!

[Blondie]

We all get heavier as we get Older because theres a lot of information in our heads
So I'm Not Fat I'm just Intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me

Thats my Story and I'm Sticking to it


I'm Still trying to Loose the Extra pound from Christmas how are the rest of you girls getting on,

Blondie:roll:

[Angel]

THIS MIGHT RAISE A SMILE
Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F*****G FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER:p

[Barbie]

Time for some male bashing..... (For a change)...
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.. ...
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chases vehicles they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Pass this on to some women for a laugh...
and to men who can handle it.... :mad:

[Surfer]

Barbie are you trying to Tell us Men Something Confused . com Surfer Only joking Barbie:D:D

still looking for suitable jokes watch this space,

[pops]

Keep this in mindwhen you havesomething to returnand the store gives you a hard time -


A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted

a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her

that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager came to the woman and asked,'Ma'am what's wrong?'


She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her

that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and screamed,
'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'


and doing so drew an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleaded,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman said,
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES RUBBED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

[Barbie]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin ..
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a woman drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at
the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the
counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me,
Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why
do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[Silver]

Two IRISH MEN were looking at a

Mail order catalogue and admiring the models
One says to the other,

'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'
The second one replies,

'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes,

'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.

'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
As she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later,

The youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
From the catalogue?'

The second IRISHMAN replies......


'No, but it shouldn'tbe long now.She sent all her clothes yesterday


� :D:rolleyes:

[THE UMPIRE]

Two Irishmen just arrived in Liverpool walking past a shop which had a sign saying, Suits £10, Trousers £5, Shirts £2 each.

So they put all their money together and go into the shop and order 25 suits, 25 prs trousers and 50 shirts all in various sizes.

The shopkeeper looks at them and says "are you boys just off the boat" yes they reply how did you know.

Because this is a Dry Cleaners not a Mens Outfitters.

[Surfer]

Very Good Umpire I like it, and its just long enough for me to remember for the speech after a game :D,

Surfer from A Sunny Cornwall
:p

[John]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make £39,000 a year and you get £2,000,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... “try doing it with the engine running.”

[Bigbear]

If My Body Were a CarThis is just too funny - scary how true it is!!
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ....
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[Angel]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'