Bowls Jokes

November 20, 2008 by bowler · 1 Comment 

Read the humourous bowls jokes and stories and send your own funnies into us to be published online

jokes@worldbowler.com

Bowls Stories / Team fun……

Bowling balls

A little old man boards a bus with a bowling wood in each of his front pockets.
He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can’t help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets. It’s an uneasy few minutes before, finally, the little old man can take no more.
“Bowling balls,” he nods reassuringly.
The lady seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she says: “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Half Hour Late
Half Hour Late A couple of weeks ago, I practised bowling with a new member.
We had fun during the practise, so I asked him if he wanted to practise next week.
He said: “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”
The following week he shows up right on on time, and we practised, this time he plays left- handed.
I asked him if he wanted to practise again next week.
He replied: “Sure but I might be a half hour late.”
I then asked him :”How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed.”
He said :”When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed.”
I then ask ;”So,what if she is laying flat on her back?” “That’s when I’ll be a half hour late!” he replied

The magic of bifocal glasses

An old man called Barry, practises Bowls with his pals each week, has just purchased a new pair of glasses.
On the first end, he draws four touchers. His friends are amazed. Again, on the 2nd and 3rd ends ‘4 touchers.
“Hey, Barry”, one friend asks, “what’s your secret? You’ve never bowled so well.’

‘ “Well guys, its these new bifocals. I see a small jack and a big jack.
I aim for the large one, and the rest is history.”

A few ends later, Barry needs to relieve himself so off to the toilets he goes.
When he returns, his trousers are drenched. `
`What happened Barry”
Barry, in confused voice, “I reached in and looked down, I saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn’t mine, so I put it back!”

How was your bowling game?

How was your bowling game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was bowling well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the bowl went.”

“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” “But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even bowl anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your bowl,” Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack bowled with Scott looking on. Jack bowled to a long jack. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yes,” Scott answered. “Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering up the green.

“I forgot.”

Four bowlers

Four bowlers were out on the ‘Green’ practising. As one of them was about to bowl at the 15th end, which was next to a busy road, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.

At this point, the other three said, “You know, that was the most touching thing I’ve ever seen.”

And the bowler answers, “Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!”

Skip was having a hard time

In ‘Your Bowls Club’ a well known skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game.

At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. “Where’s our nearest bowl?”.

“In yer ******* hand!”, answered the skip.

Bowls Jokes / one liners

I rang up my local bowling club, I said “Is that the local bowling club?”
He said “It depends where you’re calling from.”

Lead: “How much am I short?”

Skip: “You ought to know, you’re closer to it”

I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week!
Best deal I’ve made in years.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a bowling match. Q: how do you spell skip?——–A: G.O.D

Q: What do you do with someone who can’t draw, can’t roll the jack, can’t set the mat, can’t keep score and won’t listen?—-A: Make them skip A Bowls Selectors Prayer

Blessed are they who can play sport

Blessed are they who can still be taught

Blessed are they who accept with grace

To play in any SELECTED place!!

Amen

Up and down, walking,
Often measuring, sometimes chalking
Shifting mats – keeping score,
hirty ends, maybe more,
Aching back – tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he’s the marker! TO WIN TO WIN

It matters not whether you Win or Lose,
What matters is whether I Win or Lose! Lady Bowler says to her friend “As I said before I never repeat myself – as long as I can remember I have amnesia”

General Jokes! I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.
I saw a sign at a petrol station. It said ‘job vacancy’. There was another sign below it that said ’self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I go ‘Come here, Stay!’ After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all. I spilled spot remover on my dog…now he’s gone. Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Sponges grow in the ocean … that kills me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn’t happen.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses and stops breathing. The other pulls out his mobile phone and dials 999.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! “What can I do?”
The operator says: “Calm down – I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
Silence, then the sound of a gunshot.
The hunter comes back on the line: “Ok – now what?” A man goes into a bar and says, “I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.” The barman turns and shouts in the kitchen, “Oi, Tracey! Someone to see you!” Q: Why do married women weigh more than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

LACK OF VISION

70-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said: “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.”

Thelma exclaimed: “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Note from an old man: “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.” Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: “What’s that?”
Tina: “A condom.”
Sunny: “Where’d you get it?”
Tina: “You can get them at any chemist”
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred. “Doesn’t matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits on a Camel.” Mother of SIX A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back…
“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet.

 He says to the vet, “Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won’t light up.”

The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier.

 The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps £450 pounds ! You didn’t do anything for my Rudolph and you’re charging me £450 pounds ?”

 The vet shrugged and replied, “That’s the usual charge.£50 pounds for the office visit and  £400 pounds for the CAT SCAN.” Ho Ho Ho 

Sign on the door of a vet’s waiting room, ‘Back in five minutes,  Sit……Stay’ 

A sign over a gynaecologist’s office: “Dr Jones, at your cervix”  

On the door of a plastic surgeon’s office: We can help you pick your nose!” 

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” 

On a maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push,”

In the front yard of a funeral home:  “Drive carefully We’ll wait.” 

A sign in the non-smoking area of a restaurant: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take apprioruate action,” 

Ad  on the side of a plumber’s truck: We repair whatt your husband fixed,” 

Another slogan on the truck of a plumbing company; “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call a plumber 

To brighten your day!  

 

 

 

 

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great.  I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The firs t man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’ 


*****     *****     *****     *****     *****
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ 
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful..” 
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
*****     *****     *****     *****     *****
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dol lars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’

Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’

Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’

 

 
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
Couple in their nineties is both having problems remembering things. During
a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m c ertain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks. 

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I g ot it, for goodness sake!’ Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 

‘Where’s my toast?’ 

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
 

Is he a good dentist
 
A couple of old guys were out on the Bowling Green one said he was going to Dr
Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning
 
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years
before, “Is  that so” the first said  “Did he do a good job?”
 
“Well I was Bowling yesterday when the skip up the other end
fired a wood down”he said  ‘the wood must have been going at 100 mph’ when it
hit me on the ankle, That” he added “was the first time in two years my
teeth didn’t hurt”

 

 

 

 

  

 



 

 

 

 

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Standing at the Railing of the Cruise ship – Joke

November 20, 2008 by bowler · Leave a Comment 

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, ‘Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?’

‘Yes, I know,’ said the lady. ‘I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.’

‘But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!’ said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, ‘Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!’

                                                                          FIRST TIME SEX

                                                                                    .........
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over
 Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
 boyfriend that after dinner, 
She would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, 
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms,
 He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist
 helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
 and sex, At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
 condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 0pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will
 be rather busy it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head,
 a minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with
 his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. 
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
 leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea 
you were this religious'
The boy turns, and whispers back 'I had no idea your father
 was a pharmacist'.
And how about those blasted tights --
They're sized by weight, you see,
So how come when I put them on
the crotch is at my knee?
I need to wear these glasses
as the print's been getting smaller,
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to grey
and my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me,
the outside's changed a bit. 


       THE OLDER MAN


 


A word of warning Lucy-


You'll have to make a few allowances.


At his age, his back goes out more often than


he does


 


Don't be fooled by that healthy glow....


it's not a sun tan....


it's just that all his liver spots have grown 


together.


 


Longevity runs in his family.....


when his grandfather dies he was pushing a


hundred and three!....


Mind you, that was on the M6!


 


I'm looking forward to those long, aummer


nights when we can all go over to their place


and sit round the table listening to the sound


of his arteries hardening.


 


I bet their first baby looks just like Dave 


all wrinkled and bald.


 


After the speeches, you may wish to shake the


bridegroom's hand,


but there's really no need...


at his age, just hold his hand and it'll shake


all by itself.




I could really enjoy his conversation if it weren't for two things... my ears!


 


He'll be speaking next and I can assure you he's really on form....


Chloroform!


 


He never opens his mouth unless he has nothing to say.


 


You can always tell when he's talking rubbish his lips are moving!


 


For the last six weeks she served up Chicken every Thursday..


What d'you mean "Whats wrong with that"


-it was the same Chicken!


 


I had a feeling there was something wrong


 from day one when I got up, walked into the


 kitchen and found her ironing the bacon!  


 


Isn't she a treasure!


I wonder who dug her up.




 


This all started when he was a


little boy and his father bought


 him a bat for his birthday


 Imagine his surprise when he unwrapped it


 and it flew away


 


Here's to our fisherman bold


Here,s to the fish he caught


Here,s to the one that got away


And here's to the one he bought


 


Ah yes! Give me some golf clubs,


some fresh air and a beautiful woman


....and you can keep the bloody clubs and the fresh air


 


You know the trouble with referees?...they don't give a  toss who wins


 


Playing rugger is a great way to meet new people


Paramedic,nurses orthopaedic surgeons...


 


 


The team is just like an old-fashioned bra


no cups and poor support


 


My policy is to let him think he's going to be


bossing the house...


when actually, he's going to be housing the boss!


 


Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.


Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave?


 


Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,


Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!


He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.


 


The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about


Was the other Indian crazy or what??


 


The Indian replied No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler


Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! into they opening If they get an answer back


it means theres a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us


Just then they came upon another cave, stopped and hollered


Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!


Immediately there was an answer


Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! from deep inside


He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening


 


The Irish man wandered around the woods for a while


and then spied a third large Cave


 As he looked on in Amazement at the size of the opening he was thinking


Hoo Man  Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found


There must be a fine big woman in this cave  


 


He stood in front of the cave and Hollered with all his might


Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! like the others he heard an answering call, WOOOOO,!  WOOOOO!  WOOOOO!


With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face,he raced into the cave tearing all his clothes off as he ran


 The following day the headlines of the local newspaper real.........................................  


 


 


YOUL LIKE THIS  


 


 


NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN  ?????














 






 








Mum walked into the kitchen wearing her beautiful new fur coat..


Isn't it fabulous? SHE SAID TO HER DAUGHTER, What do you think?


Oh Mum replied the girl some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that


Dorothy!  exclaimed her mum, Don't talk about your Father like that.


 


An old couple had retired to bed and the woman was feeling a bit frisky,


Oh Harold, she said, Sometimes it feels just like


yesterday that you would put your arm around me


as we lay in bed, Wheres all that romance gone So the old man, to keep her happy, put his arm around her.


And then, you used to kiss me, she continued


The old man sighed,


 turned over and kissed her


And then do you remember, she said exited;you,


used to nibble my ears?


At that, the old man got out of bed and walked to the door


Harold! she called sitting up in alarm where are you going?


Just to the bathroom to get my teeth!


 


The old man said to the doctor


Do you think Ill live another ten years?


Do you drink asked the Doctor


No


Do you Smoke


No


Do you have sex 


No


Then what do you want to live another ten years for?


















Robert Whiting, an elderly Canadian gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The Canadian said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it. 'Impossible. Canadians always have to show passports on arrival in France!' The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.' You could have heard a pin drop.


Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits                  By Pam Ayres Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers, Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers, Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. 'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning. It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning, And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits 'Cos tits can be such troublesome things When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing. And although they go well with my Bingo wings, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow, When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low, When they're less of a friend and more of a foe, Then I wish I'd looked after me tits. When I was young I got whistles and hoots, From the men on the site to the men in the suits, Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters, Cruising around with my favourite suitors. Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters, I wish I'd looked after me tits. When they follow behind and get trapped in the door, When they're less in the air and more near the floor, When people see less of them rather than more, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------










































Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.










So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.




After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.  They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it  was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' said  Bob 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'  

 


   

'She just died and left me everything.' 






Irish Boys Confession


 


Bless me Father For I have sinned, I have been with a loose girl


The priest asks 'Is that you Dicky',


Yes Father it is


And who was the girl you were with


I cant tell you Father I don't want to ruin her reputation










Well Dicky I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now


Was it Mary Walsh?


I cannot say


Was it Teresa Brown? 


Ill never tell


Was it Margaret Doyle?


I'm sorry but I cannot name her


Was it Anne O Neil?


My lips are sealed


Was it Kathleen O'Tool then?


Please Father I cannot tell you


The Priest sighs in frustration You're very tight lipped Dicky and I admire that


But you've sinned and have to atone


You cannot be an alter boy for four months!!!!


Now go and behave yourself


Tommy goes back to his phew and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, What did you Get??


 


Four months holiday and  Five good Leads 






The Accident    A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.. The doctor comes in and says    'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on,    'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got up to £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It is one thousand pounds an inch.' The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)    'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, 'you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'   The doctor comes back the next day.     'So,' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'   'I have.' says the chap.    'And has she helped you to make the decision?'    'Yes, she has,' he says.    'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor..    'We're having a new kitchen.'





 












The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!' 


The 2nd Affair 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son..
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time! 


The 3rd Affair 

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door..
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powde r.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damne d thing.' 


The 4th Affair 

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.' 


The 5th Affair 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied,
'now just rest and let the poison work.'




































 











































 






 









































 
































 


 






 






















































































 

 

  
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10 Top Tips for Lawn Bowls Beginners

August 25, 2008 by bowler · Leave a Comment 

1) Learn the etiquette of the game!
(So you don’t wind up your opponent or give him/her the upper hand)

2) Always stay calm, or give that impression

3) Choose a set of woods that fit your hand, that won’t slip in the wet (ask advise).
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Filed Under: Articles, Beginners
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